Sometimes I Don't Know How
by moonswirl
Summary: Gleekathon, day eight hundred and eighty: top 16, number 2: Before becoming Quinn, Lucy Fabray had a whole other life, and some things were lost.


_Started my daily ficlets to make the hiatus pass, then decided to keep going with a 2nd cycle, and then a 3rd, 4th, etc through 41st cycle. Now cycle 42!_

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><p><em><strong>INTRODUCING "CHEAT SHEET" - <strong>If you want to know ahead of time when a certain series will be updated next, just reassemble the link below and check out the list, save it, print it, bookmark it, whatever you need!  
>Go to: <span>gleekathon [dot] tumblr [dot] com [slash] cheatsheet<span>_

_** UPDATED WITH CYCLE 42 CHEAT SHEET **_

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><p><strong>Countdown cycle #4 - <strong>Yes, it's that time again, where I select 16 favorite things (characters, ships, friendships...) from Glee and give them each a ficlet, and a chapter fic for #1. The previous countdown cycles, if you want to check them out, were c10 [days 190-210], c25 [days 505-525], and c29 [days 589-609]. Like the last countdowns, the #1 story is split in 3 blocks, the chapters posted on Tuesdays and Wednesdays over these three weeks, with #16 to #2 from Thursdays to Mondays.  
><strong>Coming in at #2...<strong>

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><p><strong>"Sometimes I Don't Know How"<br>Quinn **

She'd hear someone call for Lucy sometimes, and she still felt her ears twitch. She hadn't answered to the name in a few years now, but it was still hers. It belonged to a side of herself she had hidden beneath the image of Quinn Fabray, head cheerleader. She knew no matter how much time passed, that girl would still be inside her. She wasn't always so easy to keep down. Her name was part of that.

But there were other things, here and there, old habits resurfacing. Sometimes she'd be on her own, but she wouldn't be alone. In class, in the cafeteria, there'd be all these people around her but not with her, and she'd feel the isolation she used to feel, like she was invisible. Lucy had been invisible, but Quinn… She was seen, she was liked… she was popular. Even then she'd feel the way she used to, just protected by a short skirt and a ponytail.

For all she'd done, on those days it felt as though nothing had changed. Through her eyes the world looked the same. No one else had changed, and she'd found out the hard way it didn't take much to have their opinions of her turn around. It was hard to trust people anymore, knowing all that. It was small comfort that she had people in her life she felt she could trust, in Glee Club, and even then…

It was only in the mirror where she could see that she wasn't the same girl anymore… Her image had been up-ended, a design to turn that little girl who had gone feeling unloved for so long into one whose name was on everyone's lips, who made heads turn. It was maintained with precision, and the thought that it could be taken from her had been terrifying. Finding out she was pregnant, that terror had been extremely present. Her image was going to carry her right out of this place, give her the kind of life most people in this town only ever dreamed of.

In the beginning, it had been harder. She had to transition from Lucy to Quinn, hardly the easiest thing in the world. They were meant to be different people, who wanted different things, and did and liked different things. Some things were made to end…

Her name was Willa Evers, and back at their old school, they'd been best friends. They had met the first day of fifth grade, when Willa had moved into town, and the two girls had been matched by alphabetical coincidence. It had taken them some time to start talking, but then they had been united by something more than their last names. It was easy to tell the two of them shared in a lack of favors from the rest of the kids in their class. Willa didn't speak very often, which Quinn – or at this point Lucy – had discovered was because of a lisp, something the kids at school had taken for fodder, more than anything. Lucy had not cared about that, knowing there were already so many things about herself they picked on her for.

Lucy and Willa had only each other to fend off the world that rejected them, and that had carried them for the next few years. Except while Willa was plenty comfortable with who she was, Lucy wanted more. Willa had tried to tell her that what they had wasn't that bad, and years later Quinn would see deep down her friend had been right, but back then Lucy hadn't been able to accept it. So she had moved forward. The next few months had seen Lucy disappear more and more into Quinn, leading to the day where she would leave one school as one to join the other as another.

By the time she'd reached that point, she and Willa hardly spoke anymore. And when they did see one another, the change was already so evident in Lucy – who now went by Quinn – that it was hard for them to relate. Willa could still see her friend in the new girl, no matter how much she tried to hide it. As for Quinn, whatever temptations that might have drawn Lucy in before were now being denied. So after trying and trying, Willa had just stopped. This wasn't her friend anymore, it was some other girl.

Time passed, and as Lucy Fabray became but a distant memory, Quinn Fabray thrived. She rose and then fell so far down again, lost in who she wanted to be, who people saw her as, and who she wanted people to see her as. For a long time, forgetting Lucy was easy. She hadn't seen Willa in a few years now.

And then she'd seen her. It was shortly before Lauren had uncovered her secret for all of McKinley to know, so when she'd sprung it on her, for a moment, Quinn had believed Lauren had seen the two of them together and that she'd gotten all the juicy details out of the girl.

It had happened the weekend before. Quinn had been at the mall, looking for her prom dress. She'd finally found something she thought would be perfect, a blue dress that would only require mild alterations. She was looking at herself in the mirror, turning this way and that, and then she'd spotted her in the reflection. She'd just frozen there. If someone looked at a picture of Quinn from a few years back, when she'd still been Lucy, it would be hard to believe they were the same person unless you knew them to be, but Willa… she hadn't changed a bit, if only in height and in taming the frizzy mess of hair on her head into loose curls. Either way, it was still every bit Willa Evers. She had a green dress on that fit her so very well although she looked unsure. She hadn't seen Quinn yet, and maybe she wouldn't… Should she show herself, or should she hide?

"I don't know…" Quinn heard her say from across the changing area. "It's a lot of money for what I'll get out of it," she was going on to the saleswoman. Quinn didn't know what had made her do it, but she'd crossed the floor to approach her.

"It looks great on you," she told her.

"Oh, thanks, I…" Willa turned, and then she saw it was her and she paused.

"Hi…" Quinn spoke, cautious, like she wasn't sure whether the girl would be happy to see her, or angry, or… She looked down at herself, touching the green fabric, and she looked up… smiling timidly.

"Yeah?" she asked, and Quinn nodded. Willa let out a breath. "I… It's been a while."

"I know," Quinn agreed, still careful, and Willa caught on.

"Oh, come on, do I look like I bite?" Quinn laughed.

"You don't have a lisp anymore either," she commented and Willa beamed.

"Most of the time, no. Though when I get nervous or angry…"

"Right." After that, neither looked to know what to say, but Quinn had taken those steps, so she decided to forge on. "You look good," she complimented. "I mean, happy."

"Can't complain," Willa shrugged with a smile. "What about you?" She should have expected the question, after having opened the floor for it, but when it came she honestly just didn't know what to say in response. Was she happy? And if not that, then what was she?

"I'm… nominated for prom queen," was all she'd found to say, and she felt stupid for it right away.

"Good for you," Willa had just taken it in stride. She looked back to the mirror. "I guess I might as well go for it. I mean it's still prom, even if I don't have anyone to go with…"

"What about Thomas?" her memories had been swifter than she expected. The moment Willa had lamented her lack of a date, Quinn had remembered the boy Willa had once had such a crush on. Maybe those feelings still existed, because when she said his name Willa reacted the same way she used to, with a sudden blush that turned her ears red. "You should try it," she spoke and she could only hear herself as Lucy when she did. "You show up with that dress, you never know what might happen," now Quinn was back at the voice.

They'd parted ways on much better terms than the last time they'd spoken, and maybe it would take time, but eventually Quinn would recall the dress shop encounter and she'd tell herself there was still a chance to find the middle ground between Lucy and Quinn, at least where it came to something, someone, that had mattered to her so much, once upon a time…

THE END

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><p><strong>AN: This is a one-shot ficlet, which means that signing up for story alert will not bring you any alerts.  
><strong>**In the event of a sequel, the story will be separate from this one. And as chapter stories go, they are  
><strong>******always clearly indicated as such [ex: "Days 204-210" in the summary] Thank you!******


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